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Knowing
ourselves first
It takes a certain
courage to face the truth about ourselves
by Margot Cairnes
Whether we like to admit it or not, we
all learn our first lessons in upward management at the
feet of our parents and those adults who looked after us
as young children. It was in getting mummy, daddy,
granny or their substitutes to help us meet our needs
that we learnt how to manage those who are currently
more powerful than us. Due to the nature of the
socialisation process this early learning is very
pervasive. It forms the basis of how we see the world
for the rest of our lives unless we choose to do
something about it.
Clients are often amazed how easily I
can describe their childhood relationships with parents
based on the evidence of how they manage their boss. If
someone approaches their boss with trepidation when
asking for a pay rise, there is a very good chance that
they were frightened of their parents on some level. If
people ignore their boss (as a surprising number of
people do) it is usually because they found their
parents so distant and unapproachable that they simply
gave up and became obsessively independent. One of my
clients had so much unresolved anger towards his father
he continually jeopardised his career by sending what I
called "poison pen" letters to any boss who wouldn't
behave the way he thought he or she should.
For anyone working in business or
government this phenomena is more than just interesting.
Although we manage upward in congruence with childhood
patterning we just about never realise that we are doing
so. We think that the way we act is the sensible way to
operate. And when it doesn't work we blame the boss for
being unreasonable, lacking intelligence or being
intractable. In fact the problem is that we are
unconsciously unskilled.
There is a multitude of ways of
managing those above us in any hierarchy. Different
techniques and strategies work with different people, at
different times in different circumstances. Smart people
do what is appropriate to meet their strategic
objectives given the time, people and situation
involved. This however requires consciously skilled
behaviour. Master educator Carl Rogers showed us that we
can't become consciously skilled until we become
consciously unskilled (that is, we can't learn new ways
of operating until we know what we don't know). This
means that strategically smart operators spend time
finding out what their patterns of thought, behaviour
and emotional response are so that they can consciously
decide to operate in the most strategically appropriate
way.
As our early relationships with our
parents have so much bearing on how skilfully we manage
upwards and as skilful upwards management is a strategic
necessity for any one with a boss, board or shareholder
you simply can't afford not to do the hard work of
becoming conscious as to who you are and how you got to
be that way. Those who have begun this journey of
self-exploration will know that it is both painful and
exhilarating. It is a scary but compelling challenge.
Unfortunately, many people so fear the
pain of facing their inner demons that they won't even
start to understand their early programming. The most
scared of these even belittle any form of self-analysis
or self-reflection. This way they can excuse their own
temerity and avoid responsibility by blaming the people
around them and the world in general when things don't
go as they would like. It takes a certain kind of
courage to face the truth about ourselves. A courage
that will be well rewarded in terms of personal
fulfilment, self-esteem and strategic success.
Copyright
ã Margot
Cairnes
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