Some find compliments hard to take
by Margot Cairnes
"WHEN are you going to celebrate?" I asked Mark who had just
been tapped on the shoulder to head a $US1 billion business. "There's nothing to
celebrate yet," he protested. I'd heard him say that before.
An Australian director of a major engineering company, Mark had first come to me when he
had fallen foul of the politics in his division. Although he had performed well as an
engineer and leader he had managed to get some of the local players offside. I liked Mark
a lot. He had great integrity, wonderful intuition and was obviously highly skilled in his
craft. Like so many technically trained people he hated politics and didn't play them
well. This time it had cost him a lot.
Over the time we worked together, Mark realised that working on upward management of his
international bosses and sideways management of his local peers was the one thing he could
do for his people that they couldn't effectively do for themselves. This meant the
relationships he had previously avoided became an increasingly important part of his job
allowing him to attract resources along with technical and marketing support to the
projects for which he was responsible. More than that he found out that not only was he
very good at managing strategic relationships, he actually enjoyed doing so.
The projects Mark oversaw rose in success and profile. He was then asked if he would be
prepared to move to the US and widen his portfolio of responsibilities. This was about the
third time along his journey that I had asked him when he was going to celebrate his
success. Always he told me it was too early.
Recently I was working with the senior managers of a large industrial plant. We were doing
an exercise that involved the leaders giving each other positive feedback. I rated their
performance as lousy. It was as if telling each other they had done a job well was going
to choke them. The leaders seemed totally unskilled not only at giving the feedback but
even at thinking up positive things to say. When I wanted to bring some public glory to
these same leaders they were reticent. What would people say if they let on just how well
they were actually doing - how much improvement they had made, how successfully they were
moving forward?
What is it that makes people fight celebrating reaching their goals? What is it that has
us raise the bar when we overcome our set goals without stopping to enjoy the progress we
have made? For many there is a fear of self-aggrandisement. What will people think if I
celebrate my own successes? For others there is a childish fear that it is somehow bad
luck to notice their success. For many it is such low self-esteem that they don't think
they are capable of anything worthwhile.
I have some clients for whom it is virtually impossible to accept a compliment. They are
worried they will become conceited - that they will somehow be weakened by acknowledging
they have done something worthwhile.
However, we all need positive reinforcement. The affirmation that comes from acknowledging
a job well done gives the positive energy we need to begin the next challenge. Rather than
weakening our chances of success, acknowledging our achievements helps carry us through
the hardships that will be an inevitable part of our onward journey. Moreover, celebrating
our achievements together helps build relationships. Sharing the good times helps us to
work together when things aren't so good. Honest affirmation builds our self-esteem, which
helps us to be more flexible in our thinking and braver in our risk-taking. People who
feel good about themselves are better at relationships, decision-making and achieving
results.
Copyright ã Margot Cairnes
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