Asking
Questions
Doug
Hissong
A
few blocks from where I work is a small house with a sign out
front advertising fortune telling, palm reading, and card
reading. One of
my co-workers was curious enough to stop in.
Inside he saw a sign saying “Three questions answered
for $10.” He
asked the lady, “Isn’t ten dollars kind of steep for three
questions?”
She
replied, “Yes, it is. What
are your other two questions?”
Questions
are important. Have
you ever thought about the way you ask questions of others?
It’s an important aspect of your communication and
building rapport with others.
Questions are an important means of obtaining
information and showing interest.
They’re the key to interacting with quiet people.
There’s a lot more to questions and answers than
information transfer. Feelings
are involved.
Pitfalls
in Asking Questions
Watch
out for these pitfalls when asking questions.
1.
Never ask a question unless you're prepared for, and
can handle, whatever answer you get.
Don't leave the person wondering, "So why did you
ask?"
2.
Never ask a question and then criticize or ridicule the
answer. Ridiculing
others is never wise, but it's particularly stupid after
someone is kind enough to answer your question.
Next time he won't give you an answer.
3.
Don't ask for advice or opinions unless you intend to
seriously consider them.
If your mind's made up, don't ask for input.
4.
Don't ask loaded questions.
That is, don't ask a question if you already know the
answer or if it's obvious what answer you want to hear.
Don't force someone to lie to avoid hurting your
feelings or having you make a scene.
5.
Don't ask about things that are none of your business.
Think about why you want to ask, and if it's not a good
reason don't ask. Think
about what you’ll do with the information if you get it.
If someone asks you about something inappropriate,
don't tell him more than you really want him to know or more
than he really needs to know.
Open-ended
Questions
In
talking with others, especially quiet people, it’s important
to ask open-ended questions, i.e., questions that require an
answer of some length rather than just “yes” or “no”.
Examples are:
What do you enjoy most about your work on that
committee?
versus
Do you enjoy working on that committee?
What is the most challenging aspect of your work?
versus
Is your work challenging?
Some
people will offer more than “yes” or “no” to a closed
question, but others won’t and then you’ll have to ask
follow-up questions to learn more.
The broader the question the more information it
provides.
Listening
The
first three pitfalls listed above remind us that asking a
question should commit us to sincerely listen to the
answer. Listening
is the most neglected part of the communication process.
We’ve all read about barriers to effective listening,
i.e., aspects of our state of mind, the speaker, topic, or
environment that make it harder to listen.
When such factors are involved we need to work harder
to listen well.
You've
probably heard the term active listening.
It means taking positive actions to ensure that we
receive the speaker's message.
It may include focusing on key words and even mentally
organizing or outlining the material.
Of
course, in some situations you can jot a few notes to help you
recall the main points. If
you can't write any notes during the talk, maybe you can make
a few notes shortly after the talk before you forget things.
A
step beyond active listening is interactive listening.
This involves
interacting with the speaker to ensure that we're receiving
the message correctly. We
can ask questions when the message is unclear or incomplete.
We can verify that we've received the message
correctly.
When
listening interactively, we can make little responses, either
oral or non-verbally, to show that we're listening and to
encourage the person to keep talking.
It also involves making periodic summary statements to
which the speaker can reply to confirm our understanding of
what we've heard. The
summary statements may:
1.
Check factual material
Examples:
So you actually submitted the report on time.
It sounds like you didn't know there was a problem.
2.
Extend or generalize the material
Examples:
You evidently went to great lengths to avoid upsetting
him.
You've done a number of things to improve the
situation.
3.
Focus on the feelings behind what was said
Examples:
You must be very proud.
That must be very frustrating for you.
Be
careful not to put words in his mouth; just check your
understanding of what he's saying.
If he doesn't seem to buy into your summary statement,
try another one or ask some questions to clarify your
understanding.
Active
and interactive listening require effort, but they work.
Good listening skills pay off in both our professional
and personal lives. Listening
enables us to learn, to understand others, and to show others
that we care about them.
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